Pee Math

This entry originally appeared on my disability blog, I hate stairs.

By Matt Watson

At present, there exists an entire field of study known and explored almost exclusively by the disabled and their associates. I like to call it pee math, although I’m sure greater pee mathematicians than I have conjured a more sophisticated name. Nonetheless, pee math is a reality for the disabled who rely on others to help them take a leak, even disabled people like me who aren’t particularly good at numbers, so it is important that we are all aware of certain of its axioms and their importance to the disabled individual.

Axiom 1: What goes in must come out.

Those of you who aren’t crippled may think you already know this, but do you know it? You may have been intellectually aware of this, but does it constitute part of your being? Do you have a personal relationship with it? If you have ever offered a drink to a disabled person who you know well and who you know will not be able to relieve themselves for the next six hours, you do not know this axiom.

Axiom 2: The approximate onset of the urge to relieve oneself can be determined by considering the quantity of liquid consumed, the type of liquid consumed, and the individual’s known biological capacity to ward off said onset (determined by bladder and kidney health and capacity; the retaining of water; blood glucose; external stimuli, such as physical posture, stress and taxation; and other such things.)

This axiom is of most practical importance to disabled people, who must make this calculation at least three times a day at mealtime. In fact, whenever you see a disabled person who relies on assistants to use the restroom, you might as well bet that he is either currently frantically making this calculation or else frantically recalculating to make sure he was right the first time. No, he is not thinking of you or of whatever it is you’re trying to tell him. His mind is eternally consumed with pee formulas such that he meditates on these axioms day and night. In everything else, he feigns interest to keep his problems hidden and to appear normal and decent.

Axiom 3: When you have to go and no one is around to assist you, meditation is key.

New mathematical analyses suggest that repetitive movements actually do not help. Seven out of ten times, it does not yield favorable results, whereas relaxing meditation helps retain proper muscle control and extends the need for Axiom 5 (see below). When you see a disabled man, if he is not doing Axiom 2 calculations, he is pee meditating and may not be responsive. Sometimes, deep insights result from pee meditation. These axioms, for example, were derived by a disabled person in a deep pee stupor.

Axiom 4: It is never wise to ask someone to help you use the restroom who has not yet entered into contract with you to carry out such task. It is like a love affair that never ends well.

You abled people might think this is a given. However, when the stinging urge has reached its zenith, when the rapid current has carried the capacity for decency too far out to sea, it can suddenly appear OK to say, “(Insert colleague’s name here), I’m in need of your assistance in the restroom.” Experienced pee mathematicians know this is not viable for long-term professional relationships. It is actually preferable to go to an alone place and pee oneself, which brings us to the next and final axiom.

Axiom 5: It is better to pee than to burn.

While pee math is oriented to decreasing the chances of finding oneself in dire pee straits, high pee mathematicians observe that no science is perfect. There must be an axiom for when the axioms don’t work, and this is Axiom 5’s purpose. When push comes to shove, push. Anywhere you can get to the most quickly. It’s better for you’re health. A notice to abled people: When you see a person in a wheelchair alone in a dark corner with that aloof look on his face, respect his privacy.

These are the most basic axioms. We judge this to be sufficient for the common lay reader. Furthermore, in order to keep this blog suitable for young children, none of the other axioms will here be published.

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